The Question Asked Of Every Young Person: “What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?”
Throughout your life, the dream killers show up, toss piss on your goals and aspirations, and leave you in shambles. They are friends, family members, enemies, and fools. This is your life, not theirs. And it must remain yours. I want to help you deal with the dream killers, and encourage you to pursue your dreams.
“What do you want to do with your life?” This is a very hard question for most people, especially when asked of someone in high school. For some, the answer is a clear and direct path: law, medicine, welder, artist. For the vast majority, it remains somewhat of a mystery. This is normal. Worse, when the high school student now enrolls in college, he is pressured to select a “major” before the student really can figure out their interests. The classes themselves – even if the student has an interest in the subject – can kill off interest. Even for those that see a direct path, the dream can be derailed when they stumble with bad grades, personal tragedies, lost-interest or other reasons. I am here to give you real-world advice – the dreams you had as a child and when growing up reflect your true interests. The problem is that you are programmed at an early age to think that your dreams are only dreams. This may be my most important blog post: the protection of your dreams, and living your life according to your terms. You take medicine to protect yourself from illness. You must take the hard medicine of tuning out dream killers and saboteurs, of ignoring them, and dealing with the pressure that comes from choosing your path, and not that of everyone else.
The Dream Killers- They Are Your Friends, Families And Enemies. They Convince You To Go In The Wrong Direction.
In Will Smith’s movie, The Pursuit of Happyness, he realizes that what he just said to his young son is the stuff of dream killers, recognizes his error, and offers this incredibly important advice (note, the following videos are under the Fair Use exception to copyright law, as its use is non-commercial in its purpose, for educational and comment purposes by me to illustrate the point being made, only a small portion is used in support of the education and comment purposes, and other factors):
Will Smith’s advice is dead on: he tells his son to protect his dreams, and to not let family members (including his own father) talk him out of it. To his credit, Will Smith realizes quickly that his advice to his son is wrong. This movie was very inspiring to me. You see his young son talking about what he likes to do, and there it is – the dream killer – telling you it is a waste of time and not productive. Hearing this from your dad can be very powerful in stealing your dreams. The comments in the Youtube video discuss how people listened to the dream killers and naysayers, and are now full of regret.
In Legally Blonde, Reese Witherspoon wants to go to Harvard Law School to get back her fiancée that dumped her. Watch how the counselor at “CULA” (a funny swipe at UCLA), tries to talk her out of it as unrealistic. The “advisor’s” knowledge of entrance requirements to Harvard is dead-on, and the truth about the difficultly in gaining admission is also correct. These powerful forces – authority figure and the difficulty of the challenge – push dreams aside, and destroy the dream in the process. Reese isn’t having it. First, her parents try to talk her out of it (1:16 mark), and then the counselor (at 1:45). “Harvard won’t be impressed….” Yes, they were. Reese didn’t get an amazing LSAT score of 175 (about top 1%), but a near perfect 179. Even in law school, she was treated as “dumb” (despite being highly intelligent). From these struggles, she found herself, realized she didn’t need her dumb and useless fiancée, and continued to surprise herself about the true depths of her talents. The discussion with her parents and counselor to discuss her new career path only took about 60 seconds, but those 60 seconds could have drastically pushed her life into a wrong direction. You must be on guard against this!
Beware Of The Dream Killers – They Are Everywhere
The point of this section is simple: many persons in positions of authority (as well as enemies and rivals) will ask about what you want to do with your life, only to find a way to squash the dream or put doubt into your head so that you never do it. Some do it deliberately (the narcissists and backstabbers), some due it innocently (they are just uniformed), and some are giving you real advice from a road already taken. Never accept the “reality” these people foist upon you. It is your life. You decide, and only after you really know the facts. Do not be afraid to stake your claim. If it is unconventional, the criticism is certain. Don’t let the criticism stop you.
When I was in law school, there was this great student. He came to class early, took notes, studied, and was loving the experience. He was also married, and about 40 years old. I noticed he lost a lot of weight, and looked stressed out. I talked to him, only to find that his wife was threatening a divorce if he didn’t quit law school. At first, she didn’t like living on a bare-bones budget when he quit his job. So, he got hired back, and now is working full-time and going to law school. The stress of doing the impossible was killing him. Then, while this stay-at-home wife was complaining, she further expressed her dismay that he wasn’t paying enough attention to her. It didn’t matter to her that he had long stretches of time off between semesters and school breaks. It didn’t matter that this was only for six semesters. It didn’t matter that he was looking at a $125K starting salary (in 2006) upon graduation, and the $2,000 per week summer associate gig coming up the next year. By dropping out like he did, he didn’t even finish the first year, so all of that time was wasted, to say nothing about the costs of a legal education. Worse, he was now back doing a job he wanted to escape from. Chances are she probably still divorced him. This is the dream killer in action.
The Dream Killers – And How To Spot Them
The Person Who Says, “You Can’t Do That” Or “You’re Not Good Enough.”
People who tell you that “You can’t do that,” or “What you really should be doing,” are dream killers. What they say will be backed by some intuitive logic: “Why, only a few people make it in singing.” “You really shouldn’t focus on art, as there are so many starving artists out there.” ” A fashion designer? Do you know how hard it is to break into that field, and it’s already flooded.” When you say you want to be an astronaut, they reply, “Only a select few make it that far, and what if you don’t get accepted? You would have wasted years of your life?” These people leave you discouraged, but only if you listen to them. While it is true that only a tiny fraction of people make it to astronaut, so what? If this is what you want to do with your life, then make it happen. If you are passionate about achieving your goals (which includes putting in the work), then you’ll get there.
Dream Killers Find Ways To Justify Not Attaining Your Dreams. They Tell You “What About Your Family Responsibilities,” Or “You Are Too Old To Start Over,” Or “How Are You Going To Survive While You Are Back In School?”
You are in a job you do not like, over 30, never finished college, and decide you want to become a lawyer. You reached this decision from being in the working world and seeing what lawyers do, and realize this is the career for you. You are now working on making the dream happen: you enroll in college, change your work hours and now live on a greatly reduced income while competing against students younger than you who do not have to spend time working. All of your effort is now focused on getting high grades and blowing away the LSAT. The dream killers come out in full force to find “justifications” for keeping you exactly where you are. They’ll tell you that you are “too old” to go back to school, that “you’ll be 36 by the time you finish,” or “What about your family? How are you going to survive while you are back in school piling up student loan debt?” Others will say you are being “selfish,” “irresponsible,” or worse, “a professional student.” I remember a lawyer told me that in a lunch room at the insurance company where I worked. He always saw me studying on my lunch break, and asked me, “What are you studying now?” I told him “Econometrics.” I was in the MBA program. “What are you going to do with an MBA? You sound like a professional student.” Because he was a lawyer, and had a high role at the company, his words really stung, especially when he said it in full view of the other employees. In his mind, why waste my time studying to get an MBA, when my job doesn’t require it? That’s precisely the point that this dickhead didn’t get: I was looking to change careers, and an MBA was a good credential to add to my skillset. About a year after graduating, I helped form a joint venture, and the MBA was well-received by the executives in choosing me. Not only did I know the title insurance end of things, but now I had a managerial degree. The MBA transformed my career into a slew of high-level executive positions where I formed several multi-million dollar companies. The snap analysis by this dream killing asshole sounded “correct,” but this “logic” is only superficial. The lawyer was a dream killer.
People told me that “Who goes to law school at age 41? You won’t be working for three years! You will accumulate a ton of student loans that you will be paying back in your 50’s.” I heard it all. Today, I run my own law firm, make my own money, and handled all of the challenges. Yes, not working for three years is a problem. We dealt with these problems, knowing they are only temporary and solvable.
You Could Be Your Own Dream Killer – Through Fear Of Change! Fear Is Good.
Realize that you could wind up sabotaging your own dreams through fear – the fear of taking the next step in your life; the fear of actually putting yourself out there on the line, and making shit happen; the fear of quitting your job; the fear that you could wind up being financially devastated if things turn out badly; the fear in your own abilities to be the CEO of YOU. To echo Gordon Gekko, fear, in all of its forms, is good. Fear of financial ruin. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of watching your life pass you by. This fear triggers warning signs in your mind, makes you alert, and guides you to take action. It is only when you are immobilized by fear that you have lost. All heavyweight boxers talk about their fear when they enter the ring. Same with soldiers about to go into combat. The difference is that they don’t let fear stop them. As you confront your fears, you notice you are making concrete progress and feeling alive. Doors are slowly opening, new pathways are getting connected, and a new future is unfolding.
The Case Of Susan Boyle – Dream Killing In Action, And Her Courage To Make It Happen Before Her Dream Was Gone
When Susan Boyle walked on to the stage of Britain’s Got Talent, she was laughed and scoffed at. Now, maybe due to nervousness (which is completely understandable), she didn’t choose her words or actions better. Fittingly, she sung the song, I Dreamed A Dream, the lyrics which absolutely fit the situation, and tells the story of a person watching their life turn to living hell, with no escape, and how dreams during a young person’s life are there for the taking, but not as you get older. She couldn’t have picked a finer song, as it mirrored her life. (Again a Fair Use exception to copyright law is invoked here, as with all videos, I don’t own the rights to them, and not making money off of it, and my commentary is for teaching and education). She made Simon gasp, Piers was rocked, etc. She mentioned show she wanted to sing with Elaine Page (which happened, as they did a duet together). What we love about Susan’s story is her triumph over dream killers who tried to kill her dreams (again) on national television. The audience’s reaction when she says “I am 47” at 1:08. After exhaling, Simon asked the right question “What’s the dream,” to which she replied, “I am trying to become a professional singer” at 1:19, including smirking and laughter by the audience. Pier’s laughter at 1:38 before she starts. Simon’s expression of “What a waste of time” at 1:50. Now, look at Susan’s fierce “all business” expression at 1:42. Her eyes narrow, and she is now going to make shit happen. She’s felt the ridicule and ostracizing for her entire 47 years, but she’s got talent, and damn it, she’s thinking, this is my time now. Fuck the critics. I can do this. At 1:47 before she starts, she briefly smiles at Simon, as her eyes are pointed to the far right where he sits. She knows his vote is what really matters. At 2:22 when Simon lets out a big smile, I see Susan relaxing, and she is now focusing on the song and the notes. What a performance! Way to go! In fairness to Piers, look at his face at 2:41, he knows beautiful singing, and loves this song the way she is singing it. He’s convinced, and is enjoying the performance. Simon’s facial reaction at 4:01 is of complete shock, and the realization that he hit the lottery with this one. This is fucking talent, and it just walked on the stage and nobody gave he any credit. Incredibly, she didn’t know whether or not she succeeded until the final votes were tallied. I take this to show the depth of her depression and deeply entrenched feelings of inferiority and shame from dream killers and cruel people that tormented Susan her entire life.
Don’t Pick Careers Solely Due To Pension Benefits. It’s Easy To Make More Money In A Different Way.
Dream killers tell you to take jobs you don’t like simply due to the retirement benefits. This is an egregious mistake. Get to know about present value and future value of money calculations. For instance, if you expect to make a 5 percent annual return, how much money do you need to put into an account so that it grows to $1 one year from now? PV = $1/(1 + i)n “i” is the interest rate expressed in percentage terms. 5% interest is 0.05. “n” is the number of periods (1 year). So, the PV of $1 today is: $1/(1.05)1 or 95 cents. The FV is $1. What this means is 95 cents today is the same as getting $1 one year from now at 5% interest. Similarly, $1 today (the PV) is equivalent to taking $1.05 one year from now (the FV). This simplified analysis is to make something very clear: you don’t need to rely on a pension to fund your retirement, since the pension is taken from your pay anyway. It’s not free money. You paid into it through a job you hated. You could put that money into your own retirement account and fund your own damn pension through a solo 401(k), and IRA or Roth IRA.
When a person who has worked a government job for 30 years and walks away with a $120K per year pension (and decent pay along the way), there are still “costs” to this decision. One giant problem is if he detested his work, so in that sense, he did “bad.” Also, if the average male in the US dies at 75, and he can’t collect until the age of 67, then he is looking at only eight years of $120K per year. And again, he paid into this pension his entire working life.
Suppose you want a $2 million retirement nest egg at age 70 to retire on. How much do you need to invest to get there, assuming you start your career at 25? Well, we are talking 45 years of contributions, (so that’s the “n”), we’ll assume an annual rate of return of 5% over the entire 45 years (that’s the “i”), and the FV (the final amount) needed is $2 million. Look at financial calculators on the internet to plan your retirement. You don’t need a government pension (like any generality, there are notable exceptions, such as lavish and outrageous pensions for our top government officials).
Here, we are making payments of the same amount, and want to how much we’ll have after 45 years of making those payments at 5% annual interest. Under this scenario, you are putting $12K per year into your IRA in a lump sum to fund your retirement. It’s a handy way of knowing how much money you’ll have at a certain retirement age. This is the FV of an annuity: FV annuity = $12,000 x [((1 +(0.05)45-1)/(0.05). The amount grew to $1,916,402! What I am saying is that if you were disciplined, and put $12K per year away for your retirement, you’d have about $1.9M by the time you are 70. And, you can give that money to your heirs. Under a state pension, you might not get anything after you die. Never take a job solely for its pension. There are exceptions, of course. I can’t cover everything here.
You Better Like What You Do, Because You Will Doing It Every Day For Decades.
Whatever career you choose, consider how many hours per day you work in a typical work-week, that you will be doing this type of work each day, and then think about how that work physically and emotionally affects you. Do you like this work? Do you hate it? Are you bored and have lost interest? Is the work “doable,” but the pay sucks? Is the work difficult but the pay is great? Is the work high-stress, but allows you to buy whatever you want? What kinds of things matter to you? Are you the type to want to live in a nice house, drive an expensive car, or own a large yacht? Are you happy living in a modest home, driving a Prius, and perfectly fine with a salaried job with good benefits? Think about your tastes and reactions, because this affects how you view your job. Only you can answer these questions. Your career path must also be in alignment with your personal standards of consumption. People who like nice things often get frustrated by their pay. In that case, search out the careers that pay very well, or open your own business.
Doing what you like to do has immense advantages: by enjoying your work, you will do great work. Work, in and of itself, does not alienate you like work you can’t stand to do. The key is to find what you like to do, then make a living at it. Liking what you do also means doing great work on a consistent basis, and that leads to career success and fulfilment. This leads to my next point, the rationalization of time.
Beware Of Time Rationalization – It Keeps You Trapped Where You Are
The relativity of time is a powerful way to keep you stuck where you are. When I was 27, I felt “old” compared to when I was 18. Today, 27 seems like being a kid. 40 feels “old” compared to 30, etc. Where you currently stand will seem “old” from where you were previously. This mindset can trap you from making new changes in your life.
You will confront this thinking when you consider going back to college, like when I went to law school at age 41: “You are too old to go to college. You will be 44 when you graduate.” The naysayers and dream killers who helped fuck up your present situation will come out of the woodwork to offer you even more of their fucked-up advice. My response: I will be 44 even if I don’t go to law school. I will have at least 25 more years of work ahead of me, doing what I want. I am doing this for me before I run out of time. As far as being among the oldest students, so what? Does that matter after I graduate? No.
I wanted to become a real estate lawyer. I also knew that time was running out to make the move to a three year full-time study. How much longer do I wait? Until I am 50? Is there really ever a good time to go? I pulled the switch and went to law school. The dream killers found all types of “justification” for telling me I was “irresponsible,” that I was “chasing a foolish dream,” that “nobody will hire you as a summer associate given your age” (untrue), that “there are too many lawyers,” etc. I did not let these things derail my dreams. I worked around the problems as they presented themselves. The not-so-funny thing is this: the dream killers and naysayers who tried to talk me out of going to law school hit me up for advice after I graduated, and what they said makes no difference to me now. They also went quiet once I made the decision. Your life is not your life until you are in charge.
Transitioning To Your New Career Means Short-Term Financial Hardship But Long-Term Gain
Any career transition means losing most of your current income, and possibly starting over. This also keeps people trapped. Very quickly, you can rationalize that you cannot live on a reduced income. Yes you can. These realities are powerful, and you must deal with it. You can make the necessary changes. What you think are “required” items in your life can be eliminated, downsized or sold. Move into a cheaper apartment; sell you car and pay cash for a “clunker.” Sell your home, or refinance the debt to a cheaper “interest-only” loan to cut your monthly bills even more. Eliminate your credit card debts and long-term debts before making this change.
Starting Over – Do Not Look Back, No Matter How Tempting It Is.
Along this journey of realizing your dreams, the urge to “go back” to the old job or way of life will be strong. We get so trapped in what is known and comfortable that we are tempted to go back to what we tried to escape from. For instance, you’ll notice guys who are security guards looking to start a new career, only to go back to being a security guard. I see this with waitressing too. The waitress has tremendous people skills, can work under pressure, etc. She could just as easily take a job in customer service, and then build from there. Instead of seeing herself as a “waitress,” she needs to assess that she has learned many different skills that translate over into new career paths. During the transition, you are making financial sacrifices all the time. Dining out is impossible. You might abolish cable tv, cut your phone plan to the bare minimum. All of this passes in time. Economic realities make the leap back to the old lifestyle quite easy. Don’t do it. Do NOT look back. Something deep inside you made you take stock of your life. Your inner voice told you that the old path was the wrong one. The old path might be paying more (now), but that will change over time. You didn’t start out making that kind of money, and your new career needs time to re-boot as well. Enjoy the fear that comes with change, and enjoy the fear of failure as you embark on this journey. Going back to what you tried to escape from means you have surrendered your dreams. On your death bed, or at a moment far into your life, the things you will remember with regret and sorrow are those things you failed to do, not the things you did. I can also tell you that after your well publicized escape from the current career, any return back to it conjures up images of some type of failure in your new venture. The “failure” is more likely from not allowing the new career to develop and being too impatient with the rate of change in your new life. Get comfortable with the uncertainty and high amount of change in your life, as you see yourself finally freeing yourself from the influence of others, and moving in the direction you know is right for you.
The “Risk Adverse” Strategy Of Staying In Your Current Job Is Actually High Risk
While exceptions always exist, in general, the “tried and true” or “risk adverse” strategy of not changing careers is actually a high risk strategy. By not changing careers, you kill off the adventure the new career brings to the table. You kill off the new happiness that the new career offered. You will never know how that script played out, and whether the new career meant higher pay, a better life and a legacy to pass to your kids. These are the risks from refusing to change. Only sea anemones refuse to change. Humans, by definition, respond to change. The harder you work out your body, the stronger it becomes. Studies show that certain types of learning makes you smarter. Watch how prison inmates become transformed from illiterate, to debating Shakespeare. The talents within you are immense. The change in career is supposed to speak to these talents. Chances are very high that if you are talented in something, then you also enjoy it too. We like to do what we are good at. What are you good at? That could answer the question, “What do you want to do with your life?”
Embrace Fear And Embrace Failure
To become successful, you need to embrace fear and failure. When a person “fails,” as I use the term here, it is not a failure in the traditional sense. In school, an “F” grade means you “failed,” and is mark of shame. The teacher or professor is saying, “Hey, you blew it.” Failure in the business world has different meanings. You can blow it in the business world by missing a deadline. That is like getting an “F” in school. These “F’s” are to be avoided. Then, there is the other kind of failure – a failure that comes with acquired knowledge and experience. This is the failure to cherish and embrace. This is where wisdom is acquired. The wise persons are those who repeatedly failed, didn’t give up, and learned from it. These failures increased their knowledge levels.
To be successful, you must accept that failure and errors happen, and learn from it. If you are not making any mistakes, then you are not learning, and not pushing your boundaries.
You Are The Product Of Your Acquired Learning
When you start your career, you are the product of what you have learned. The depth of your learning becomes evident when you are thrown into new waters. Do you sink? Do you swim? Can you deal with pressure, are you resourceful, do you have initiative to get things done? When you find yourself sinking, then you must start swimming! A dog knows to dog paddle even when it has never been in the water before. Your instincts are the results of hundreds of millions of years of evolution. Part of getting to this new path is new thinking. Erase doubts of fear and failure, and think in terms of solutions and goals. The “fear” from change and new situations is like iron being forged from a hot flame. If you have gotten to this point, then you know it is time to make that change. I opened my own law firm over a decade ago, and it was the right decision for me. I broke all of the “rules” in the process. I wasn’t going to be defined this time by the “theys” and their dream killing bullshit. Was it easy? No. Is it easy? No. And I would not trade it for anything. I am now 18 years after my fateful decision to go to law school, and it was the best decision I ever made. I wasn’t “too old” to go to law school, I landed a terrific job at a large firm, and finally got to become a real estate attorney. Looking back, I have no regrets. I wish you all the best and hope you realize your dreams. There are always reasons why you can’t do something. Now, go make it happen.